Where do I begin?
This is a piece of writing from Jeff, someone who battled anorexia.
Where do I begin? I asked myself this question hundreds, if not thousands of times. I didn’t know where to start, how to start, when to start, and often, why to start. So where do I begin? Recovery is a complex, emotional, frustrating, and difficult journey that brings us to one of life’s most beautiful rewards. The freedom that comes with it will look different for each of us. It’s a journey that rewards us with our true capabilities and allows us to transform the dedication, discipline, and commitment we made to our Eating Disorder’s into much more rewarding and meaningful life paths. Many of us are afraid to begin committing to change, but what do you have to lose? Because I promise you that your Eating Disorder is not everything and there is so much more waiting for you!
I remember waking up countless mornings and afternoons feeling so tired. Tired of being a slave to my Anorexia, tired of the mental chains that held me prisoner to my mind, and tired of living. What was it for? To achieve a number that would promise me something? I had lost hope in that promise long ago. Was I living to see myself achieve the ultimate form of my Eating Disorder? I wasn’t living to enjoy life, I was living in hopes that my Eating Disorder would bring that joy to me. I had become so consumed by my disorder that there were few things in life outside of ED that held any importance to me. It had become the core of my existence and everything external was like a TV commercial that I had no interest in. I was tired of living in what felt like hell. Everyday felt like reading the same page of a very sad, and sinister novel. So I asked myself, where do I begin?
For me this change happened slowly. Although it doesn’t always feel like that! It happened when I decided that my life was worth more than dying for something that had been lying to me for nearly a decade. It happened when I realized I had hopes, dreams, and goals just like everyone else. It happened when I realized and truly understood that I could not achieve any of these goals if I don’t let go of the pain, the sadness, the anger, and false sense of comfort that was my Eating Disorder. I thought my Anorexia was my best friend, it was there for me, it was part of me and at times it felt like it was all that I had. When I look back I can see that it was also my abuser and it was going to kill me. I had to accept that my life was worth so much more. Did I always believe this? No. But I made the decision to try. Some days I tried harder than others, some days felt like I didn’t try much at all. But all in all, I tried. And trying turned into doing!
So, what do you have to do? What’s the answer? There is no clear answer, but there are many tools that help and these are some of mine.
1.) Set goals for yourself. What is important to you? Where do you want to go in life? This can be whatever you want it to be! Maybe there's a trip you want to take, maybe there's a profession you want to join or a hobby you’d like to take up. Set small goals for yourself that take you away from your Eating Disorder. Remember, your Eating Disorder is not contributing to the betterment of your life, but robbing you of the joy and freedom that life has to offer!
2.) Talking about it. Find someone that you can connect with, someone you can be vulnerable with, someone you can share your story with. Your story is a very special piece of you, with your story you can unravel the pages and make incredible self discoveries that maybe you never realized. Self awareness is going to be one of your biggest tools in your recovery. One of the best ways to achieve a high level of self awareness is to talk about YOU with someone who has the ability to help you analyze what makes you special, while helping you pinpoint areas that you may struggle with.
3.) Feel your emotions and grieve the loss. Because letting go of your Eating Disorder is a loss, it is one of the most painful loses you will experience in your life. This is NOT an easy achievement. This is going to be hard, it is going to be painful, and it going to be WORTH IT! You must feel every emotion, the anger, the sadness, the loss, the grief! Cry, journal, paint, draw, do whatever it is that allows you to express yourself and FEEL the emotions. You cannot bottle them up, you have to release them. This is one of the least talked about but most important steps in recovery. If you don’t grieve the loss, there will be no room for growth.
4.) Remember to be kind to yourself, you probably haven't been in a long time! This is hard work and its important to acknowledge the bravery, strength, and effort that you're putting into your recovery.
Letting go of my Eating Disorder was the most powerful decision I have ever made. The reward that comes from the journey is worth it! You are someone and you are important. You can do this and you are capable to free yourself!